HouseFans.Net - Quotes

House: You work fast. Stacy: So do you. House: Is that a shock? --House and Stacy, after she got a court order to treat the death row inmate. -- (2.01 Acceptance)
Cameron: I took an oath to do no harm. House: Yea, well, it's not like they make you sign it or anything. --Cameron/House on why they're working with the death row patient instead of the cancer patient. -- (2.01 Acceptance)
Only I get to write on the board. --House to Cameron, after she picked up the marker. -- (2.01 Acceptance)
Wilson: You know why people are nice to other people? House: Oh, I know this one: Because people are good, decent and caring. Either that, or people are cowards. If I'm mean to you, then you'll be mean to me - mutually assured destruction. --House and Wilson -- (2.01 Acceptance)
Bros before hos, man. --House to Wilson regarding Stacy. -- (2.01 Acceptance)
I love rare. --House to Foreman after he mentioned that the disease House had in mind was rare. -- (2.01 Acceptance)
(After shutting the blinds on a glaring Stacy) Mommy and Daddy are having a little fight. It doesn't mean we've stopped loving you. --House to his team -- (2.01 Acceptance)
Stacy: I'm a lawyer, you're a jerk. There's gonna be some overlap. House: God, I hope that was a euphemism. --Stacy/House -- (2.01 Acceptance)
House: Death row guy. I want the case. Cuddy: How do you even know about him? You don't have access to the hospital's mainfraime. House, No, but 'partypants' does. Cuddy: Yous tole my password? House: Hardly counts a stealing. It's a pretty obvious choice. --House/Cuddy, when House wanted to take on Clarence's case. -- (2.01 Acceptance)
Relax, I've got a great bedside manner. --House to the prison warden as he was preparing to examine a dangerous death row inmate. -- (2.01 Acceptance)
House: Death Row Guy. I want the case. Cuddy: How do you even know about him? You don't have access to the hospital's mainframe. House: No, but "partypants" does. Cuddy: You stole my password? House: Hardly counts as stealing. --House/Cuddy -- (2.01 Acceptance)
You know how peopls say you can't live without love? Well, oxygen's more important. --House to prison warden -- (2.01 Acceptance)
Nurse:Patient in one requested a male doctor. Cuddy: Balls are in your court, doctor. Union rules --Nurse and Cuddy to House -- (2.2 Autopsy)
Patient: My new girlfriend -- never been with a buy who wasn't circumcised. So she freaked and--- House: Aha. And you wanted rivkah to feel all gemulticht. I get it. It's a shandah. Patient: I got some box cutters and, um... House: Just like Abraham did it... I'm gonna get a plastic surgeon. Get the Twinkie back in the wrapper. --House to a patient who circumcised himself. (ouch) -- (2.2 Autopsy)
House: Ger her symptoms on the board. Cameron: Whoah, you're letting me touch the markers? House: It's written down in my advanced health care directive. Should I be incapacitated in any way, you run the board. Then Foreman. Chase, you're just not ready yet. --Cameron/House -- (2.2 Autopsy)
Chase: If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex. House: Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth. --Chase/House -- (2.2 Autopsy)
I don't like reading surgeon's reports. They're boring. --House -- (2.2 Autopsy)
House: If you're dying, suddenly everybody loves you. Wilson: You have a cane. Nobody even likes you. House: I'm not terminal. I'm merely pathetic. You wouldn't believe the crap people let me get away with. --House/Wilson -- (2.2 Autopsy)
House: The tumor is Afghanistan. The clot is Buffalo. Does that need more explanation? Okay. The tumor is Al Aueada. The big bad guy, the brains. We went in, wiped it out. But it had already sent a splinter cell: A small team of low-level terrorists quietly iiving in some suburb of Baffalo, waiting to kill us all. Foreman: Are you trying to say that the tumor threw a clot before we removed it? House: Angio her brain before this clot straps on an explosive vest. --House/Foreman -- (2.2 Autopsy)
Cuddy: Are you high? House: If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted. Cuddy: It's Wednesday. --Cuddy/House. (House has been taking cold meds) -- (2.2 Autopsy)
Trouble concentrating. That tank top really absorbs moisture. --House to Cuddy -- (2.3 Humpty Dumpty)
Do I get bonus points if I act like I care? --House to Cuddy -- (2.3 Humpty Dumpty)
His hand is connected to his arm. His arm is connected to...I'm not sure, but I bet it's important. --House to his team -- (2.3 Humpty Dumpty)
Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I'm that good. --House -- (2.3 Humpty Dumpty)
House: Cuddy...your guilt. It's perverse and it makes you a crappy doctor. It also makes you okay at what you do. Cuddy: You figure a perverted sense of guilt makes me a good boss. House: Well, would the world be a better place if people never felt guilty? Makes sex better. You should have seen her (points at Stacy with his cane) in the last months of our relationship. Lots of guilt. Lots of screaming. I know this wasn't just because of your roof. Cuddy - you see the world as it is. As it could be. What you didn't see is what everybody else sees. The giant gaping chasem in-between. Cuddy: House, I am not naive. I realize -- House: If you did, you never would have hired me. You're not happy unless things are just right. Which means two things: You're a good boss and you'll never be happy. (BEAT) By the way, why does everybody think you and I had sex? Think there could be something to it? --House/Cuddy (in a rare moment of honesty for House) -- (2.3 Humpty Dumpty)
Foreman: You did exactly what white people did. You figure we don't need to know the truth or can't understand it, so you just lie to us. House. It's just a white lie. Foreman: Good one, master. --Foreman/House after House saw a black patient who thought Foreman gave him a blood pressure med for racist reasons. -- (2.3 Humpty Dumpty)
Welcome aboard the good ship Asskisser. Nice day for a sail. Pucker up, me hearties. --House to Chase -- (2.4 TB or Not TB)
House: Every minute that we refuse to love one another, another puppy cries another tear. Wilson: You're just mad that he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are. House: And I've nailed more Sweedish babes. Crazy, crazy world. --House and Wilson, talking about Sebastian Charles -- (2.4 TB or Not TB)
You don't like to swallow. I'm not surprised. --House to a rather uptight clinic patient. -- (2.4 TB or Not TB)
Bizarre is good. --House -- (2.4 TB or Not TB)
Wilson: Two-wheeled vehicles that travel 180 miles per hour don't really go well with crippled, irresponsible drug addicts. House, Actually, two-wheeled vechicles that go 180 miles an hour do not go well with healty, responsible architects who don't know how to separate braking and turning. Good news is, it brings the price right down. --Wilson and House, while House was getting on his "new" Honda CBR1000 -- (2.5 Daddy's Boy)
You know me: Hostility makes me shrink up like a ... can't think of a non-sexual metaphor. --House to Cuddy about Stacy. -- (2.6 Spin)
What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short shorts? --House to his team, wondering why the patient had presented with a new symptom -- (2.6 Spin)
You know me; hostilty makes me shrink up like a ... can't think of a non-sexual metaphor. --House to Cuddy, complaining about Stacy. -- (2.6 Spin)
Wilson: Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food? House: Green for food, orange for beverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out every two weeks. --Wilson/House, after House grabbed some chips from Wilson's tray -- (2.6 Spin)
It's not the size of the muscle, it's where you put it. --Mark Warner to House -- (2.6 Spin)
House: You are healed! Rise and walk! Jeff Hastert: Are you insane? House: In the Bible, you just say, "yes, Lord," and then start right in on the praising. --House/Jeff Hastert after House administered a shot to ease his symptoms -- (2.6 Spin)
Two successful surgeries, two lives saved. I'm over my quota. Can I have next week off? --House to Cuddy -- (2.6 Spin)
Stacy: What are you hiding? House: I'm gay. Oh, that's not what you meant. it does explain a lot, though: No girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers... --House giving Stacy an incredibly sarcastic answer. -- (2.8 The Mistake)
Livers are important, Cuddy. Can't live without them, hence the name. --House, trying to convince Cuddy to approve a liver transplant for Kayla -- (2.8 The Mistake)
I've moved past threesomes. I'm now into foresomes. If someone backs out then you've still got a threesome. If two people back out - you're still having sex. You'd be amazed. --House giving Stacy a hard time. -- (2.8 The Mistake)
I love the smell of pus in the morning. Smells like - victory! --House -- (2.9 Deception)
Cameron: You were just standing there and she started to sneeze? House: Spend as much time around the real people as I do - someone gets sick. --House and Cameron -- (2.09 Deception)
Chase: No matter what I do you're still gonna treat me like crap. House: Crap is a realtive term. --House trying to convince Chase to help him with a procedure. -- (2.9 Deception)
Labs, schmabs. A good disagnostician reads between the labs. --House -- (2.9 Deception)
Spend as much time around people as I do, someone gets sick. --House -- (2.9 Deception)
Everybody covers their ass. --House -- (2.10 Failure to Communicate)
You know Stacy in the original Greek means 'relationship killer.' --House to Stacy (trying to cheer her up!) -- (2.10 Failure to Communicate)
You're abrasive and annoying and come on way to strong like vindaloo curry. When you're crazy about curry, that's fine, but no matter how much you love curry, you have to much of it, it takes the roof of your mouth off. And then you never want to see curry for a really long time but you wake up one day and think -- God, I really miss curry. --Stacy, explaining to House why their relationship is like an addiction -- (2.10 Failure to Communicate)
Foreman: Hypervigilance, sudden irritability-- House: Symptomatic of--lunch with Cuddy? --Foreman and House, attempting to diagnose the POTW. -- (2.11 Need to Know)
I know you're in there. I can hear you caring. --House, after knocking on Wilson's office door. -- (2.11 Need to Know)
I'm not sad; I'm complicated. Chicks dig that. --House -- (2.11 Need to Know)
Cocaine. Explains the psychosis and the flailing. And the uncanny abilty to brig home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never every let Teddy forget that he's a man. --House, suggesting that the POTW might be on drugs. (The "bring home the bacon..." reference is from a 1970s television ad for a perfume called Enjoli.) -- (2.11 Need to Know)
Fear trumps anal every time. --House to Foreman and Cameron, as to why she didn't take her HIV test -- (2.11 Need to Know)
House: No go stick a needle up her hoo-hoo and find that cancer. Chase: "Hoo-hoo?" Foreman: He went to Hopkins. --House, Chase, Foreman. (As if attending Hopkins explains House.) -- (2.11 Need to Know)
It's called cataplexy. Cat fight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool. --House to Alex the supermodel. -- (2.13 Skin Deep)
House: Two clinic hours says that those love apples were handcrafted by God. Foreman: I thought you didn't believe in God. House: I do now. --House and Foreman, discussing whether their patient has had implants. -- (2.13 Skin Deep)
When guys have brain-crotch problems, it's usually the result of using one too much and the other too little. --House to his team in diagnosing Henry Arrington's illness. -- (2.14 Sex Kills)
Cheese is the Devil's plaything. --House to Henry when the patient mentioned that he met a woman at a cheese tasting. -- (2.14 Sex Kills)
Wilson: (to House) You'd give your own wife herpes just to shift the blame! Cuddy: (to Wilson) He'd give his own mother herpes if it got him out of clinic duty. --Wilson/Cuddy -- (2.15 Clueless)
Wilson: No wonder you were in the mood. This month's New Jersey Journal of Cardiology. House: Have you see the centerfold? There's no way those valves are real! --Wilson/House after House kept Wilson waiting on the doorstep, the latter believing the former was involved with a woman. -- (2.16 Safe)
House: 42 Foreman: You have the file memorized? House: It's my lucky number --House/Forman (Editor's note: In Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, 42 is the answer to the ultimate question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.) -- (2.17 All In)
You know, relative to its size, the barnacle has the largest penis of any animal --House, trying to bust Wilson's poker face. (And both of them cracked up laughing. -- (2.17 All In)
Cameron: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large intestine? House: No, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college. --Cameron, complaining about having to give a patient a colonoscopy without the benefit of anesthesia. House, being his usual snarky self. -- (2.18 Sleeping Dogs Lie 2.18)
Hannah: I've got the plague? House: Don't worry; it's treatable. Being a bitch, though, nothing we can do about that. --House telling Hannah she has the plague. -- (2.18 Sleeping Dogs Lie 2.18)
Boyd: The nurses talk about you a lot. House: Don't believe them. I keep a sock in my pants. --House and Boyd, the young faith healer. -- (2.19 House vs. God)
They could build monuments to your self-centerdness. --Wilson to House when the latter interrupted a consult with a terminal patient. -- (2.19 House vs. God)
House: He's not a saitn. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing. Wilson: And you're worried about trademark infringement? --House/Wilson, discussing Boyd the faith healer's supposedly divine powers. -- (2.19 House vs. God)
House: You have a gift for manipulation. Wilson: I listen: I have an actual conversation with people, which shockingly does raise the odds that they'll be cooperative. House: That's what I'm saying. You read the kid then manipulated the hell out of him. --House and Wilson, discussing how Wilson convinced Boyd to have surgery. -- (2.19 House vs. God)
Cuddy: I can't even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse. House: Well, if I shot I live person, there's a lot more paperwork. --Cuddy/House. -- (2.20 Euphoria, Pt. 1)
Chase: You want to give Foreman a brain biospy? House: Come on, really. Who doesn't? --Chase/House, after Foreman started to exhibit the same symptoms as the policeman. -- (2.20 Euphoria, Pt. 1)
Someone's been on the interweb. --House, after it was clear that the mother of a young clinic patient had been doing research into her child's problem - and was completely wrong. -- (2.21 Euphoria, Pt. 2)
Marching the penguin. Ya-yaing the sisterhood. Finding Nemo... --House, when trying to explain to a mother that her daughter is seeking self-gratification. -- (2.21 Euphoria, Pt. 2)
We were wasting all this time looking for an unknown disease - we should have been looking for a different strain of an unknown disease! --House to Cameron and Chase, expressing his frustration in not being able to determine what's wrong with Foreman. -- (2.21 Euphoria, Pt. 2)
Cameron: Foreman's black. House: Wait? How long have you been sitting on this information? --Cameron/House. Cameron was attempting to point out that the reason Foreman reacted differently than the cop was because of the way certain diseases affect black people. -- (2.21 Euphoria, Pt. 2)
Rodney Foreman: My son says you're a manipulative bastard. House: It's a pet name. I call him Dr. Bling. --Foreman's dad, House. -- (2.21 Euphoria, Pt. 2)
Idiots are fun. no wonder every village wants one. --House -- (2.22 Forever)
Ideas are not soda cans. Recycling sucks. --House, when his team suggested they redo a test. -- (2.22 Forever)
Pretentiousness is hereditary. Just because they haven't found the gene yet... --House to Cuddy on her choice of sperm donors. -- (2.23 Who's Your Daddy)
Moriarty: I don't want to hear semantics. House: You anti-semantic bastard. --House and "Moriarty" arguing over whether House cares if he lives or dies. -- (2.24 No Reason)

House: You work fast.

Stacy: So do you.

House: Is that a shock?
--House and Stacy, after she got a court order to treat the death row inmate.
-- (2.01 Acceptance)

Cameron: I took an oath to do no harm.

House: Yea, well, it's not like they make you sign it or anything.

--Cameron/House on why they're working with the death row patient instead of the cancer patient.
-- (2.01 Acceptance)

Only I get to write on the board.
--House to Cameron, after she picked up the marker.
-- (2.01 Acceptance)

Wilson: You know why people are nice to other people?

House: Oh, I know this one: Because people are good, decent and caring. Either that, or people are cowards. If I'm mean to you, then you'll be mean to me - mutually assured destruction.
--House and Wilson
-- (2.01 Acceptance)

Bros before hos, man.
--House to Wilson regarding Stacy.
-- (2.01 Acceptance)

I love rare.
--House to Foreman after he mentioned that the disease House had in mind was rare.
-- (2.01 Acceptance)

(After shutting the blinds on a glaring Stacy) Mommy and Daddy are having a little fight. It doesn't mean we've stopped loving you.
--House to his team
-- (2.01 Acceptance)

Stacy: I'm a lawyer, you're a jerk. There's gonna be some overlap.

House: God, I hope that was a euphemism.
--Stacy/House
-- (2.01 Acceptance)

House: Death row guy. I want the case.

Cuddy: How do you even know about him? You don't have access to the hospital's mainfraime.

House, No, but 'partypants' does.

Cuddy: Yous tole my password?

House: Hardly counts a stealing. It's a pretty obvious choice.

--House/Cuddy, when House wanted to take on Clarence's case.
-- (2.01 Acceptance)

Relax, I've got a great bedside manner.
--House to the prison warden as he was preparing to examine a dangerous death row inmate.
-- (2.01 Acceptance)

House: Death Row Guy. I want the case.

Cuddy: How do you even know about him? You don't have access to the hospital's mainframe.

House: No, but "partypants" does.

Cuddy: You stole my password?

House: Hardly counts as stealing.
--House/Cuddy
-- (2.01 Acceptance)

You know how peopls say you can't live without love? Well, oxygen's more important.
--House to prison warden
-- (2.01 Acceptance)

Nurse:Patient in one requested a male doctor.

Cuddy: Balls are in your court, doctor. Union rules
--Nurse and Cuddy to House
-- (2.2 Autopsy)

Patient: My new girlfriend -- never been with a buy who wasn't circumcised. So she freaked and---

House: Aha. And you wanted rivkah to feel all gemulticht. I get it. It's a shandah.

Patient: I got some box cutters and, um...

House: Just like Abraham did it... I'm gonna get a plastic surgeon. Get the Twinkie back in the wrapper.
--House to a patient who circumcised himself. (ouch)
-- (2.2 Autopsy)

House: Ger her symptoms on the board.

Cameron: Whoah, you're letting me touch the markers?

House: It's written down in my advanced health care directive. Should I be incapacitated in any way, you run the board. Then Foreman. Chase, you're just not ready yet.
--Cameron/House
-- (2.2 Autopsy)

Chase: If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex.

House: Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth.
--Chase/House
-- (2.2 Autopsy)

I don't like reading surgeon's reports. They're boring.
--House
-- (2.2 Autopsy)

House: If you're dying, suddenly everybody loves you.

Wilson: You have a cane. Nobody even likes you.

House: I'm not terminal. I'm merely pathetic. You wouldn't believe the crap people let me get away with.
--House/Wilson
-- (2.2 Autopsy)

House: The tumor is Afghanistan. The clot is Buffalo. Does that need more explanation? Okay. The tumor is Al Aueada. The big bad guy, the brains. We went in, wiped it out. But it had already sent a splinter cell: A small team of low-level terrorists quietly iiving in some suburb of Baffalo, waiting to kill us all.

Foreman: Are you trying to say that the tumor threw a clot before we removed it?

House: Angio her brain before this clot straps on an explosive vest.
--House/Foreman
-- (2.2 Autopsy)

Cuddy: Are you high?

House: If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.

Cuddy: It's Wednesday.
--Cuddy/House. (House has been taking cold meds)
-- (2.2 Autopsy)

Trouble concentrating. That tank top really absorbs moisture.
--House to Cuddy
-- (2.3 Humpty Dumpty)

Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?
--House to Cuddy
-- (2.3 Humpty Dumpty)

His hand is connected to his arm. His arm is connected to...I'm not sure, but I bet it's important.
--House to his team
-- (2.3 Humpty Dumpty)

Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I'm that good.
--House
-- (2.3 Humpty Dumpty)

House: Cuddy...your guilt. It's perverse and it makes you a crappy doctor. It also makes you okay at what you do.

Cuddy: You figure a perverted sense of guilt makes me a good boss.

House: Well, would the world be a better place if people never felt guilty? Makes sex better. You should have seen her (points at Stacy with his cane) in the last months of our relationship. Lots of guilt. Lots of screaming. I know this wasn't just because of your roof. Cuddy - you see the world as it is. As it could be. What you didn't see is what everybody else sees. The giant gaping chasem in-between.

Cuddy: House, I am not naive. I realize --

House: If you did, you never would have hired me. You're not happy unless things are just right. Which means two things: You're a good boss and you'll never be happy. (BEAT) By the way, why does everybody think you and I had sex? Think there could be something to it?
--House/Cuddy (in a rare moment of honesty for House)
-- (2.3 Humpty Dumpty)

Foreman: You did exactly what white people did. You figure we don't need to know the truth or can't understand it, so you just lie to us.

House. It's just a white lie.

Foreman: Good one, master.
--Foreman/House after House saw a black patient who thought Foreman gave him a blood pressure med for racist reasons.
-- (2.3 Humpty Dumpty)

Welcome aboard the good ship Asskisser. Nice day for a sail. Pucker up, me hearties.
--House to Chase
-- (2.4 TB or Not TB)

House: Every minute that we refuse to love one another, another puppy cries another tear.

Wilson: You're just mad that he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are.

House: And I've nailed more Sweedish babes. Crazy, crazy world.
--House and Wilson, talking about Sebastian Charles
-- (2.4 TB or Not TB)

You don't like to swallow. I'm not surprised.
--House to a rather uptight clinic patient.
-- (2.4 TB or Not TB)

Bizarre is good.
--House
-- (2.4 TB or Not TB)

Wilson: Two-wheeled vehicles that travel 180 miles per hour don't really go well with crippled, irresponsible drug addicts.

House, Actually, two-wheeled vechicles that go 180 miles an hour do not go well with healty, responsible architects who don't know how to separate braking and turning. Good news is, it brings the price right down.
--Wilson and House, while House was getting on his "new" Honda CBR1000
-- (2.5 Daddy's Boy)

You know me: Hostility makes me shrink up like a ... can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.
--House to Cuddy about Stacy.
-- (2.6 Spin)

What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short shorts?
--House to his team, wondering why the patient had presented with a new symptom
-- (2.6 Spin)

You know me; hostilty makes me shrink up like a ... can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.
--House to Cuddy, complaining about Stacy.
-- (2.6 Spin)

Wilson: Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food?

House: Green for food, orange for beverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out every two weeks.
--Wilson/House, after House grabbed some chips from Wilson's tray
-- (2.6 Spin)

It's not the size of the muscle, it's where you put it.
--Mark Warner to House
-- (2.6 Spin)

House: You are healed! Rise and walk!

Jeff Hastert: Are you insane?

House: In the Bible, you just say, "yes, Lord," and then start right in on the praising.
--House/Jeff Hastert after House administered a shot to ease his symptoms
-- (2.6 Spin)

Two successful surgeries, two lives saved. I'm over my quota. Can I have next week off?
--House to Cuddy
-- (2.6 Spin)

Stacy: What are you hiding?

House: I'm gay. Oh, that's not what you meant. it does explain a lot, though: No girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers...
--House giving Stacy an incredibly sarcastic answer.
-- (2.8 The Mistake)

Livers are important, Cuddy. Can't live without them, hence the name.
--House, trying to convince Cuddy to approve a liver transplant for Kayla
-- (2.8 The Mistake)

I've moved past threesomes. I'm now into foresomes. If someone backs out then you've still got a threesome. If two people back out - you're still having sex. You'd be amazed.
--House giving Stacy a hard time.
-- (2.8 The Mistake)

I love the smell of pus in the morning. Smells like - victory!
--House
-- (2.9 Deception)

Cameron: You were just standing there and she started to sneeze?

House: Spend as much time around the real people as I do - someone gets sick.
--House and Cameron
-- (2.09 Deception)

Chase: No matter what I do you're still gonna treat me like crap.

House: Crap is a realtive term.

--House trying to convince Chase to help him with a procedure.
-- (2.9 Deception)

Labs, schmabs. A good disagnostician reads between the labs.
--House
-- (2.9 Deception)

Spend as much time around people as I do, someone gets sick.
--House
-- (2.9 Deception)

Everybody covers their ass.
--House
-- (2.10 Failure to Communicate)

You know Stacy in the original Greek means 'relationship killer.'
--House to Stacy (trying to cheer her up!)
-- (2.10 Failure to Communicate)

You're abrasive and annoying and come on way to strong like vindaloo curry. When you're crazy about curry, that's fine, but no matter how much you love curry, you have to much of it, it takes the roof of your mouth off. And then you never want to see curry for a really long time but you wake up one day and think -- God, I really miss curry.
--Stacy, explaining to House why their relationship is like an addiction
-- (2.10 Failure to Communicate)

Foreman: Hypervigilance, sudden irritability--

House: Symptomatic of--lunch with Cuddy?
--Foreman and House, attempting to diagnose the POTW.
-- (2.11 Need to Know)

I know you're in there. I can hear you caring.
--House, after knocking on Wilson's office door.
-- (2.11 Need to Know)

I'm not sad; I'm complicated. Chicks dig that.
--House
-- (2.11 Need to Know)

Cocaine. Explains the psychosis and the flailing. And the uncanny abilty to brig home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never every let Teddy forget that he's a man.
--House, suggesting that the POTW might be on drugs. (The "bring home the bacon..." reference is from a 1970s television ad for a perfume called Enjoli.)
-- (2.11 Need to Know)

Fear trumps anal every time.
--House to Foreman and Cameron, as to why she didn't take her HIV test
-- (2.11 Need to Know)

House: No go stick a needle up her hoo-hoo and find that cancer.

Chase: "Hoo-hoo?"

Foreman: He went to Hopkins.
--House, Chase, Foreman. (As if attending Hopkins explains House.)
-- (2.11 Need to Know)

It's called cataplexy. Cat fight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool.
--House to Alex the supermodel.
-- (2.13 Skin Deep)

House: Two clinic hours says that those love apples were handcrafted by God.

Foreman: I thought you didn't believe in God.

House: I do now.
--House and Foreman, discussing whether their patient has had implants.
-- (2.13 Skin Deep)

When guys have brain-crotch problems, it's usually the result of using one too much and the other too little.
--House to his team in diagnosing Henry Arrington's illness.
-- (2.14 Sex Kills)

Cheese is the Devil's plaything.
--House to Henry when the patient mentioned that he met a woman at a cheese tasting.
-- (2.14 Sex Kills)

Wilson: (to House) You'd give your own wife herpes just to shift the blame!

Cuddy: (to Wilson) He'd give his own mother herpes if it got him out of clinic duty.
--Wilson/Cuddy
-- (2.15 Clueless)

Wilson: No wonder you were in the mood. This month's New Jersey Journal of Cardiology.

House: Have you see the centerfold? There's no way those valves are real!
--Wilson/House after House kept Wilson waiting on the doorstep, the latter believing the former was involved with a woman.
-- (2.16 Safe)

House: 42

Foreman: You have the file memorized?

House: It's my lucky number

--House/Forman

(Editor's note: In Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, 42 is the answer to the ultimate question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.)
-- (2.17 All In)

You know, relative to its size, the barnacle has the largest penis of any animal
--House, trying to bust Wilson's poker face. (And both of them cracked up laughing.
-- (2.17 All In)

Cameron: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?

House: No, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college.
--Cameron, complaining about having to give a patient a colonoscopy without the benefit of anesthesia. House, being his usual snarky self.
-- (2.18 Sleeping Dogs Lie 2.18)

Hannah: I've got the plague?

House: Don't worry; it's treatable. Being a bitch, though, nothing we can do about that.
--House telling Hannah she has the plague.
-- (2.18 Sleeping Dogs Lie 2.18)

Boyd: The nurses talk about you a lot.

House: Don't believe them. I keep a sock in my pants.

--House and Boyd, the young faith healer.
-- (2.19 House vs. God)

They could build monuments to your self-centerdness.
--Wilson to House when the latter interrupted a consult with a terminal patient.
-- (2.19 House vs. God)

House: He's not a saitn. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing.

Wilson: And you're worried about trademark infringement?
--House/Wilson, discussing Boyd the faith healer's supposedly divine powers.
-- (2.19 House vs. God)

House: You have a gift for manipulation.

Wilson: I listen: I have an actual conversation with people, which shockingly does raise the odds that they'll be cooperative.

House: That's what I'm saying. You read the kid then manipulated the hell out of him.
--House and Wilson, discussing how Wilson convinced Boyd to have surgery.
-- (2.19 House vs. God)

Cuddy: I can't even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.

House: Well, if I shot I live person, there's a lot more paperwork.
--Cuddy/House.
-- (2.20 Euphoria, Pt. 1)

Chase: You want to give Foreman a brain biospy?

House: Come on, really. Who doesn't?
--Chase/House, after Foreman started to exhibit the same symptoms as the policeman.
-- (2.20 Euphoria, Pt. 1)

Someone's been on the interweb.
--House, after it was clear that the mother of a young clinic patient had been doing research into her child's problem - and was completely wrong.
-- (2.21 Euphoria, Pt. 2)

Marching the penguin. Ya-yaing the sisterhood. Finding Nemo...
--House, when trying to explain to a mother that her daughter is seeking self-gratification.
-- (2.21 Euphoria, Pt. 2)

We were wasting all this time looking for an unknown disease - we should have been looking for a different strain of an unknown disease!
--House to Cameron and Chase, expressing his frustration in not being able to determine what's wrong with Foreman.
-- (2.21 Euphoria, Pt. 2)

Cameron: Foreman's black.

House: Wait? How long have you been sitting on this information?
--Cameron/House. Cameron was attempting to point out that the reason Foreman reacted differently than the cop was because of the way certain diseases affect black people.
-- (2.21 Euphoria, Pt. 2)

Rodney Foreman: My son says you're a manipulative bastard.

House: It's a pet name. I call him Dr. Bling.
--Foreman's dad, House.
-- (2.21 Euphoria, Pt. 2)

Idiots are fun. no wonder every village wants one.
--House
-- (2.22 Forever)

Ideas are not soda cans. Recycling sucks.
--House, when his team suggested they redo a test.
-- (2.22 Forever)

Pretentiousness is hereditary. Just because they haven't found the gene yet...
--House to Cuddy on her choice of sperm donors.
-- (2.23 Who's Your Daddy)

Moriarty: I don't want to hear semantics.

House: You anti-semantic bastard.
--House and "Moriarty" arguing over whether House cares if he lives or dies.
-- (2.24 No Reason)