HouseFans.Net - Quotes

But the philosopher Jagger once said: "You can't always get what you want." --House to Cuddy -- (1.0 Pilot)
Humanity's overrated. --House to his team -- (1.0 Pilot)
People don't bug me until they get teeth. --House -- (1.1 Paternity)
Charlie: I can't have mono. I don't even feel sick or anything. House: That's very often the first sign. --Charlie and House -- (1.01 Paternity)
House: I'm the most curious man in the world. --House -- (1.01 Paternity)
House: Sometimes the best gift is the gift of never seeing you again. --House -- (1.01 Paternity)
Chase: (Pondering crossword puzzle): Nine letters. Iodine deficiency in children. Foreman: Cretinism. --Chase/Foreman -- (1.1 Paternity)
House: So, how are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there's an acute shortage I could run home... Cuddy: No, you couldn't. House: Nice. --House/Cuddy (House trying to get out of clinic duty as usual.) -- (1.2 Occam's Razor)
I am a BORED certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious diseases and nephrology. I'm also the only doctor employed at this clinic who is here against his will... But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may seem me reach for this. This is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. --House, introducing himself to a group of hapless clinic patients. -- (1.2 Occam's Razor)
Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality. House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain. --Wilson/House -- (1.2 Occam's Razor)
Cameron: Men should grow up. House: And dogs should stop licking themselves, but it isn't gonna happen. --Cameron, House -- (1.2 Occam's Razor)
Occam's Razor: The simplest explanation is almost always that somebody screwed up. --House to his team -- (1.2 Occam's Razor)
House: Candy canes? Are you mocking me? Cameron: No, it's Christmas and I - I - thought . . . --House and Cameron, on House discovering a bowl of candy canes. -- (1.4 Damned If You Do)
Sister Eucharist: The sisters tend to interpret their diagnosis as divine intervention. House: And you don't? Then you're wearing an awfully funny hat. --Sister Eucharist & House -- (1.4 Damned If You Do)
Wilson: You know, most people who think as much of themselves as you do like to talk about themselves. House: Most people don't like to listen, so what's wrong with you? --Wilson & House -- (1.4 Damned If You Do)
House: Love that outfit. Says, "I'm professional, but I'm still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the second part." Cuddy: Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle, too. --House and Cuddy, about one of her trademark blouses. -- (1.5 The Socratic Method)
House: Well, good news. The lab says it's not strep, so we're done. Mom: Wait a second! House: No, really, not strep. Boys in the lab, sure, they're hard drinkers, but they're pros, you know. --House to a mother in the clinic. -- (1.5 The Socratic Method)
There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries every twenty feet between love and hate. --House to Wilson, after the latter suggested House had a thing for Cuddy -- (1.2 Occam's Razor)
Normally I would put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the earth has circled the sun one more time, I really did not think it would make it this year, darn it if it was not the little planet that could all over again. -- House (about his birthday) -- (1.5 The Socratic Method)
I have a cane and I know how to use it. --House -- (1.5 Socratic Method)
Luke: You're a doctor? House: Own my own stethoscope. --Luke Palmiero/House -- (1.5 The Socratic Method)
If it wasn't for Socrates, that raving untreated schizophrenic, we wouldn't have the Socratic Method - the best way of teaching everything, apart from juggling chainsaws. Without Isaac Newton, we'd be floating on the ceiling. --House -- (1.5 The Socratic Method)
House: Your lips say no, but your shoes say yes. Wilson: Well, they're French, you can't trust a word they say. --House and Wilson, when the former was trying to get the latter to admit he had a date. -- (1.6 Fidelity)
You have a parasite . . . . Many women embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites . . . . It has your eyes. --House, informing a clinic patient that she was pregnant. -- (1.6 Fidelity)
I'm too handsome to do paperwork. --House -- (1.7 Poison)
Foreman: The kid was just taking his AP Calculus exam when all of a sudden he got nauseous and disoriented. House: That's the way calculus presents. --House/Foreman -- (1.7 Poison)
You put the Queen on your money. You're British. --House to Chase, after the latter took offense at being called British. -- (1.7 Poison)
Margo: Who are you? House: I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son. You're the mom who's letting him die. Clarification, it's a beautiful thing. --House, trying to get Margo Davis to allow her son to get treatment. -- (1.7 Poison)
And it's the 21st century. We've got flying cars, talking dogs, and penicillin. --House to the son of the woman with syphillus -- (1.7 Poison)
Like I always say, there's no "I" in "team." There's a "me," though, if you jumble it up. --House -- (1.8 DNR)
Foreman: What's wrong with you? House: Everyone knows what's wrong with me. What's wrong with him is much more interesting. --Foreman/House, after House recussitated John Henry Giles -- (1.8 DNR)
Cuddy sent me a stripper again? Love that woman. So thoughtful. --House to an attractive woman serving him with papers. -- (1.8 DNR)
You know how some doctors have the messiah complex - they need to save the world? You've got the Rubik's complex - you need to solve the puzzle. --Wilson to House -- (1.8 DNR)
Wilson: So your philosophy is, "if they don't want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down." House: My old philosophy used to be, "live and let live," but I'm taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows. --Wilson and House, discussing John Henry Giles' treatment -- (1.8 DNR)
Wilson: Yes, I forgot. I need a reason to give a crap. House: You're giving two craps. Wilson: The metric system always confuses me. --House and Wilson; House quizzing Wilson on why he's taking such an interest in the patient. -- (1.9 Histories)
Wilson: You don't need to know everything about everybody. House: I don't need to watch The OC, but it makes me happy. --Wilson and House, as House goes through personnel files -- (1.9 Histories)
Okay, you two! Grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors. --House, trying to break up an argument between Foreman and Wilson -- (1.9 Histories)
Med Student: You're reading a comic book. House: And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that we were having a "state-the-obvious" contest. I'm competitive by nature. --Hous and a med student -- (1.9 Histories)
House: I met your parents, and your brother - Wilson: I have two brothers. House: Why wouldn't you tell me - Wilson: It was irrelevant. House: Why not? Wilson: Because he's not in my life anymore. House: Well, that's relevant. --House/Wilson -- (1.9 Histories)
House: See, this is why I don't waste money on shrinks, 'cause you give me all these really great insights for free. Cuddy: [smiling] Shrink. If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake. --House and Cuddy -- (1.1 Paternity)
House: Get up! We're going hunting. Foreman: For what? House: Wabbits. --House and Foreman -- (1.1 Paternity)
Cuddy: I can't always be here to protect you. Patients talk. Doctors talk. [elevator doors open] House: About how big your ass has gotten lately? Not me, I defend it. --Cuddy & House -- (1.10 Detox)
Let me talk to Shipping. I speak their language. --House to the hospital pharmacist, upon learning that his Vidocin is stuck in shipping. -- (1.10 Detox)
Cuddy: You know, there are other ways to manage pain. House: Like what? Laughter? Meditation? Got a guy who can fix my third chakra? --Cuddy and House; Cuddy concerned over House's Vicodin useage. -- (1.10 Detox)
You always trust me. It's a big mistake. --House to Cameron -- (1.10 Detox)
True love. That's just how we match organs these days. There's a couple in France - high school sweethearts - they're trading brains. --House to Lola Wiggen on the chances of her kidneys being a match for him -- (1.11 Sports Medicine)
Cameron: If this were a regular guy who came in and broke his arm lifting a box, you would've packed him up and sent him home! House: My god, you're right, I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in here, we're on it like stink on cheese. --Cameron & House -- (1.11 Sports Medicine)
Cameron: His heart rate is 130 and rising, like a Randy Johnson line drive. House: [thinks a moment] A for effort. --Cameron & House -- (1.11 Sports Medicine)
Cuddy: Male; spiking fever, congested chest and coughing up green sputum, pain in breathing - House: Baffling. Though I vaguely recall a disease called noomonia, numania? --Cuddy & House -- (1.12 Cursed)
Even if we don't learn out what's causing this, we definately need to know if twelve-year-olds are getting any action. --House -- (1.12 Cursed)
Chase: How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life? House: I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life. --Chase & House -- (1.12 Cursed)
You want to know how two chemicals interact, do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat. --House to Wilson -- (1.12 Cursed)
Chase: How would you feel if I interfered with your personal life? House: I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life. --Chase and House; House trying to pry details on Chase's family background -- (1.12 Cursed)
The little ones call me Uncle Greg. --House -- (1.12 Cursed)
Never trust doctors. --House -- (1.12 Cursed)
Read less, more TV. --House to Cameron -- (1.13 Control)
I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken heart. --House to Wilson, dancing around the fact that Carly will need a heart transplant. -- (1.13 Control)
Our friendship is an ethical responsibility. --Wilson to House -- (1.13 Control)
Clinic Dad: [types] wHats werong gwith ricky House: Relax, Ricky's going to be just "fingth." --Clinic Dad/House -- (1.13 Control)
Clinic Kid: He had knee surgery... House: Right. Clinic Kid: About a year ago. And then he couldn't talk. House: Right. Yeah, well, that happens. You know, it's very dangerous operating so close to the vocal chords. --Kid/House -- (1.13 Control)
Oh, it's story time! Let me get my baba! --House -- (1.13 Control)
Do you get that often? Women who would rather die than get naked with you? --House to Wilson -- (1.13 Control)
Cameron: ...and your dumb patient-- House: They're all -- oh, the guy who can't talk. --Cameron /House -- (1.13 Control)
Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat. House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you - like half your age. --House/Cuddy -- (1.13 Control)
Who da man? I da man. I always suspected. --House -- (1.13 Control)
Vogler: That was my very first heart transplant meeting - very exciting. House: Trust me: Six Flags. Way more exciting. --Vogler/House -- (1.13 Control)
He's important to you - got it. So, no placebos for him, we'll use real medicine. --House Bill Arnelo -- (1.14 Mob Rules)
House: Need the lawyer. Vogler: Who'd you kill? House: Nobody, but it's not even lunch. --Vogler/House, on House being served with a court order to treat a mobster. -- (1.14 Mob Rules)
He's important to you. So, no placebos for him; we'll use the real medicine. --House to Bill Arnello -- (1.14 Mob Rules)
The neurologist thinks it's his brain, and wants to open up his head. Frankly, I'm shocked. You get to use the big boy drill and daddy's big red toolbox. --House to Foreman -- (1.14 Mob Rules)
That's a catchy diagnosis. You could dance to that. --House to Chase -- (1.14 Mob Rules)
The '66 came with a "shut up" button. --House to Wilson, as they drive in House's '65 Corvette -- (1.14 Mob Rules)
Your brother has Ornithine Transcarbamylase Deficiency. You want me to write that down? Good, because it takes a while. --House to Bill Arnello -- (1.14 Mob Rules)
Men are pigs. --House to clinic patient; trying to convince her to have a 30-lb. benign tumor removed. -- (1.15 Heavy)
Afternoon delight. She just loves the hard wood. --House to a nurse, after Cuddy demanded to see him in her office -- (1.16 Role Model)
I take chances all the time. It's one of my worst qualities. --House to Senator Wright -- (1.16 Role Model)
Ideopathic. From the Latin meaning we're idiots because we can't figure out what's causing it. --House to his team -- (1.16 Role Model)
Everybody lies. --House -- (1.16 Role Model)
You're abrasive and rude, but I figured everything you do, you do it to help people. But I was wrong. You do it because it's right. --Cameron to House -- (1.16 Role Model)
Are you comparing me to God? I mean, that's great, but just so you know, I've never made a tree. --House to Cameron -- (1.16 Role Model)
Cuddy: Oh, why do you have to make everything so dramatic? House: Because I'm a very high-strung little lapdog. (Barks) --Cuddy/House -- (1.16 Role Model)
I was rooting for a really cool tumor. Instead, we're stuck with this crap. --House to his team about Senator Wright -- (1.16 Role Model)
Only you could feel like crap about doing something good. --Wilson to House -- (1.16 Role Model)
Because there is a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. And my wrist might fall off. --House -- (1.17 Babies and Bathwater)
Chase: Dogs learn things. House can't. Foreman: Coward. Chase: Child. --Chase and Foreman, discussing House -- (1.17 Babies and Bathwater)
Wilson: Vogler's smart. He's got some plan to get you. House: Does it involve candy? Becaue I'm a sucker for chocolates. (Then he pops some Vicodin. What a guy.) --Wilson/House -- (1.17 Babies and Bathwater)
Weird works for me. --House -- (1.18 Kids)
Cuddy: The rest of the hospital is bustling and... (House raises a chart to block his view of her decollatage) What are you doing? House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods. --House/Cuddy -- (1.18 Kids)
That's right: I'm subjecting a twelve year-old to a battery of dangerous and invasive tests to avoid being bored. ... Okay, maybe I would do that, but I'm not. If it turns out she does have meningitis, you're right - you win. But if we go back downstairs and she dies, your face will be so red. --House to Cuddy -- (1.18 Kids)
Nonconformity, right. I can't remember the last time I saw a twenty-something kid with a tatto of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker. You want to be a rebel? Stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he [Wilson] does and get a haircut. Like the Asian kids who don't leave the library twenty hour stretches. They're the ones who don't care what you think. Sayonara. --House, to applicant for Cameron's job -- (1.18 Kids)
House: The eyes can mislead, the smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth. Wilson: They were Prada. It means he has good taste. House: They were not Prada. You wouldn't know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum. --House/Wilson -- (1.18 Kids)
Patient: Heh, heh! You dog, you slept with her! House: Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check. --House/patient while House and Wilson were talking about House's date with Cameron. -- (1.19 Love Hurts)
I've got a case of malt liquor stashed in the trunk, Mr. Marvin Gaye on the CD, we gonna get all the way down! --House to Foreman when the latter tried to offer advice about a date with Cameron -- (1.19 Love Hurts)
House: I have been on a date. Wilson: Not since disco died. --House/Wilson as House is getting ready for his date with Cameron -- (1.19 Love Hurts)
House: (Looking at a corsage he bought for Cameron) This is lame, right? Wilson: I think she likes lame. --House/Wilson as House is getting ready for his date with Cameron -- (1.19 Love Hurts)
I'm allowed to sexually harass my boss. --Cameron -- (1.19 Love Hurts)
You're on my naughty list. Sorry, no leather stethoscope this Christmas. --House to Chase -- (1.19 Love Hurts)
House: If only I was as open as you. Cuddy: Well... House: Actually, it was your blouse I was talking about. --House/Cuddy -- (1.19 Love Hurts)
Me, I'm a freak. I get off on not being in pain. That, and chocolate-covered marshmallow bunnies. --House to Harvey and Annette -- (1.19 Love Hurts)
Cuddy: Dr. Riley is throwing up. He obviously can't lecture. House: You witnessed the spew, or you just have his word for it? I think I'm coming down with a little bit of the clap. I may have to go home for a few days. --Cuddy/House -- (1.20 Three Stories)
Stacy: Did you think I wasn't going to get married? House: Not to someone so poorly endowed. The guy's pancreas is pathetic! --Stacy/House -- (1.20 Three Stories)
It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. the only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. --House to a group of med students -- (1.20 Three Stories)
Stacy: You're an idiot. House: I think I'm more of a jerk. --Stacy/House, as House was rejecting amputation on his leg -- (1.20 Three Stories)
Rebellious Student: the patient's an idiot. House: They usually are. --House and a med student, after he told the class the story about his leg -- (1.20 Three Stories)

But the philosopher Jagger once said: "You can't always get what you want."
--House to Cuddy
-- (1.0 Pilot)

Humanity's overrated.
--House to his team
-- (1.0 Pilot)

People don't bug me until they get teeth.
--House
-- (1.1 Paternity)

Charlie: I can't have mono. I don't even feel sick or anything.

House: That's very often the first sign.
--Charlie and House
-- (1.01 Paternity)

House: I'm the most curious man in the world.
--House
-- (1.01 Paternity)

House: Sometimes the best gift is the gift of never seeing you again.
--House
-- (1.01 Paternity)

Chase: (Pondering crossword puzzle): Nine letters. Iodine deficiency in children.

Foreman: Cretinism.
--Chase/Foreman
-- (1.1 Paternity)

House: So, how are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there's an acute shortage I could run home...

Cuddy: No, you couldn't.

House: Nice.
--House/Cuddy (House trying to get out of clinic duty as usual.)
-- (1.2 Occam's Razor)

I am a BORED certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious diseases and nephrology. I'm also the only doctor employed at this clinic who is here against his will... But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may seem me reach for this. This is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell.
--House, introducing himself to a group of hapless clinic patients.
-- (1.2 Occam's Razor)

Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.

House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.
--Wilson/House
-- (1.2 Occam's Razor)

Cameron: Men should grow up.

House: And dogs should stop licking themselves, but it isn't gonna happen.
--Cameron, House
-- (1.2 Occam's Razor)

Occam's Razor: The simplest explanation is almost always that somebody screwed up.
--House to his team
-- (1.2 Occam's Razor)

House: Candy canes? Are you mocking me?

Cameron: No, it's Christmas and I - I - thought . . .

--House and Cameron, on House discovering a bowl of candy canes.
-- (1.4 Damned If You Do)

Sister Eucharist: The sisters tend to interpret their diagnosis as divine intervention.

House: And you don't? Then you're wearing an awfully funny hat.
--Sister Eucharist & House
-- (1.4 Damned If You Do)

Wilson: You know, most people who think as much of themselves as you do like to talk about themselves.

House: Most people don't like to listen, so what's wrong with you?
--Wilson & House
-- (1.4 Damned If You Do)

House: Love that outfit. Says, "I'm professional, but I'm still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the second part."

Cuddy: Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle, too.
--House and Cuddy, about one of her trademark blouses.
-- (1.5 The Socratic Method)

House: Well, good news. The lab says it's not strep, so we're done.

Mom: Wait a second!

House: No, really, not strep. Boys in the lab, sure, they're hard drinkers, but they're pros, you know.
--House to a mother in the clinic.
-- (1.5 The Socratic Method)

There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries every twenty feet between love and hate.
--House to Wilson, after the latter suggested House had a thing for Cuddy
-- (1.2 Occam's Razor)

Normally I would put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the earth has circled the sun one more time, I really did not think it would make it this year, darn it if it was not the little planet that could all over again.
-- House (about his birthday)
-- (1.5 The Socratic Method)

I have a cane and I know how to use it.
--House
-- (1.5 Socratic Method)

Luke: You're a doctor?

House: Own my own stethoscope.

--Luke Palmiero/House
-- (1.5 The Socratic Method)

If it wasn't for Socrates, that raving untreated schizophrenic, we wouldn't have the Socratic Method - the best way of teaching everything, apart from juggling chainsaws. Without Isaac Newton, we'd be floating on the ceiling.
--House
-- (1.5 The Socratic Method)

House: Your lips say no, but your shoes say yes.

Wilson: Well, they're French, you can't trust a word they say.
--House and Wilson, when the former was trying to get the latter to admit he had a date.
-- (1.6 Fidelity)

You have a parasite . . . . Many women embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites . . . . It has your eyes.
--House, informing a clinic patient that she was pregnant.
-- (1.6 Fidelity)

I'm too handsome to do paperwork.
--House
-- (1.7 Poison)

Foreman: The kid was just taking his AP Calculus exam when all of a sudden he got nauseous and disoriented.

House: That's the way calculus presents.
--House/Foreman
-- (1.7 Poison)

You put the Queen on your money. You're British.
--House to Chase, after the latter took offense at being called British.
-- (1.7 Poison)

Margo: Who are you?

House: I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son. You're the mom who's letting him die. Clarification, it's a beautiful thing.
--House, trying to get Margo Davis to allow her son to get treatment.
-- (1.7 Poison)

And it's the 21st century. We've got flying cars, talking dogs, and penicillin.
--House to the son of the woman with syphillus
-- (1.7 Poison)

Like I always say, there's no "I" in "team." There's a "me," though, if you jumble it up.
--House
-- (1.8 DNR)

Foreman: What's wrong with you?

House: Everyone knows what's wrong with me. What's wrong with him is much more interesting.
--Foreman/House, after House recussitated John Henry Giles
-- (1.8 DNR)

Cuddy sent me a stripper again? Love that woman. So thoughtful.
--House to an attractive woman serving him with papers.
-- (1.8 DNR)

You know how some doctors have the messiah complex - they need to save the world? You've got the Rubik's complex - you need to solve the puzzle.
--Wilson to House
-- (1.8 DNR)

Wilson: So your philosophy is, "if they don't want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down."

House: My old philosophy used to be, "live and let live," but I'm taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows.
--Wilson and House, discussing John Henry Giles' treatment
-- (1.8 DNR)

Wilson: Yes, I forgot. I need a reason to give a crap.

House: You're giving two craps.

Wilson: The metric system always confuses me.
--House and Wilson; House quizzing Wilson on why he's taking such an interest in the patient.
-- (1.9 Histories)

Wilson: You don't need to know everything about everybody.

House: I don't need to watch The OC, but it makes me happy.
--Wilson and House, as House goes through personnel files
-- (1.9 Histories)

Okay, you two! Grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors.
--House, trying to break up an argument between Foreman and Wilson
-- (1.9 Histories)

Med Student: You're reading a comic book.

House: And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that we were having a "state-the-obvious" contest. I'm competitive by nature.
--Hous and a med student
-- (1.9 Histories)

House: I met your parents, and your brother -

Wilson: I have two brothers.

House: Why wouldn't you tell me -

Wilson: It was irrelevant.

House: Why not?

Wilson: Because he's not in my life anymore.

House: Well, that's relevant.

--House/Wilson
-- (1.9 Histories)

House: See, this is why I don't waste money on shrinks, 'cause you give me all these really great insights for free.

Cuddy: [smiling] Shrink. If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.
--House and Cuddy
-- (1.1 Paternity)

House: Get up! We're going hunting.

Foreman: For what?

House: Wabbits.
--House and Foreman
-- (1.1 Paternity)

Cuddy: I can't always be here to protect you. Patients talk. Doctors talk.

[elevator doors open]

House: About how big your ass has gotten lately? Not me, I defend it.
--Cuddy & House
-- (1.10 Detox)

Let me talk to Shipping. I speak their language.
--House to the hospital pharmacist, upon learning that his Vidocin is stuck in shipping.
-- (1.10 Detox)

Cuddy: You know, there are other ways to manage pain.

House: Like what? Laughter? Meditation? Got a guy who can fix my third chakra?
--Cuddy and House; Cuddy concerned over House's Vicodin useage.
-- (1.10 Detox)

You always trust me. It's a big mistake.
--House to Cameron
-- (1.10 Detox)

True love. That's just how we match organs these days. There's a couple in France - high school sweethearts - they're trading brains.
--House to Lola Wiggen on the chances of her kidneys being a match for him
-- (1.11 Sports Medicine)

Cameron: If this were a regular guy who came in and broke his arm lifting a box, you would've packed him up and sent him home!

House: My god, you're right, I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in here, we're on it like stink on cheese.
--Cameron & House
-- (1.11 Sports Medicine)

Cameron: His heart rate is 130 and rising, like a Randy Johnson line drive.

House: [thinks a moment] A for effort.
--Cameron & House
-- (1.11 Sports Medicine)

Cuddy: Male; spiking fever, congested chest and coughing up green sputum, pain in breathing -

House: Baffling. Though I vaguely recall a disease called noomonia, numania?
--Cuddy & House
-- (1.12 Cursed)

Even if we don't learn out what's causing this, we definately need to know if twelve-year-olds are getting any action.
--House
-- (1.12 Cursed)

Chase: How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?

House: I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life.
--Chase & House
-- (1.12 Cursed)

You want to know how two chemicals interact, do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.
--House to Wilson
-- (1.12 Cursed)

Chase: How would you feel if I interfered with your personal life?

House: I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life.
--Chase and House; House trying to pry details on Chase's family background
-- (1.12 Cursed)

The little ones call me Uncle Greg.
--House
-- (1.12 Cursed)

Never trust doctors.
--House
-- (1.12 Cursed)

Read less, more TV.
--House to Cameron
-- (1.13 Control)

I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken heart.
--House to Wilson, dancing around the fact that Carly will need a heart transplant.
-- (1.13 Control)

Our friendship is an ethical responsibility.
--Wilson to House
-- (1.13 Control)

Clinic Dad: [types] wHats werong gwith ricky

House: Relax, Ricky's going to be just "fingth."
--Clinic Dad/House
-- (1.13 Control)

Clinic Kid: He had knee surgery...

House: Right.

Clinic Kid: About a year ago. And then he couldn't talk.

House: Right. Yeah, well, that happens. You know, it's very dangerous operating so close to the vocal chords.
--Kid/House
-- (1.13 Control)

Oh, it's story time! Let me get my baba!
--House
-- (1.13 Control)

Do you get that often? Women who would rather die than get naked with you?
--House to Wilson
-- (1.13 Control)

Cameron: ...and your dumb patient--

House: They're all -- oh, the guy who can't talk.
--Cameron /House
-- (1.13 Control)

Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.

House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you - like half your age.
--House/Cuddy
-- (1.13 Control)

Who da man? I da man. I always suspected.
--House
-- (1.13 Control)

Vogler: That was my very first heart transplant meeting - very exciting.

House: Trust me: Six Flags. Way more exciting.
--Vogler/House
-- (1.13 Control)

He's important to you - got it. So, no placebos for him, we'll use real medicine.
--House Bill Arnelo
-- (1.14 Mob Rules)

House: Need the lawyer.

Vogler: Who'd you kill?

House: Nobody, but it's not even lunch.
--Vogler/House, on House being served with a court order to treat a mobster.
-- (1.14 Mob Rules)

He's important to you. So, no placebos for him; we'll use the real medicine.
--House to Bill Arnello
-- (1.14 Mob Rules)

The neurologist thinks it's his brain, and wants to open up his head. Frankly, I'm shocked. You get to use the big boy drill and daddy's big red toolbox.
--House to Foreman
-- (1.14 Mob Rules)

That's a catchy diagnosis. You could dance to that.
--House to Chase
-- (1.14 Mob Rules)

The '66 came with a "shut up" button.
--House to Wilson, as they drive in House's '65 Corvette
-- (1.14 Mob Rules)

Your brother has Ornithine Transcarbamylase Deficiency. You want me to write that down? Good, because it takes a while.
--House to Bill Arnello
-- (1.14 Mob Rules)

Men are pigs.
--House to clinic patient; trying to convince her to have a 30-lb. benign tumor removed.
-- (1.15 Heavy)

Afternoon delight. She just loves the hard wood.
--House to a nurse, after Cuddy demanded to see him in her office
-- (1.16 Role Model)

I take chances all the time. It's one of my worst qualities.
--House to Senator Wright
-- (1.16 Role Model)

Ideopathic. From the Latin meaning we're idiots because we can't figure out what's causing it.
--House to his team
-- (1.16 Role Model)

Everybody lies.
--House
-- (1.16 Role Model)

You're abrasive and rude, but I figured everything you do, you do it to help people. But I was wrong. You do it because it's right.
--Cameron to House
-- (1.16 Role Model)

Are you comparing me to God? I mean, that's great, but just so you know, I've never made a tree.
--House to Cameron
-- (1.16 Role Model)

Cuddy: Oh, why do you have to make everything so dramatic?

House: Because I'm a very high-strung little lapdog. (Barks)
--Cuddy/House
-- (1.16 Role Model)

I was rooting for a really cool tumor. Instead, we're stuck with this crap.
--House to his team about Senator Wright
-- (1.16 Role Model)

Only you could feel like crap about doing something good.
--Wilson to House
-- (1.16 Role Model)

Because there is a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. And my wrist might fall off.
--House
-- (1.17 Babies and Bathwater)

Chase: Dogs learn things. House can't.

Foreman: Coward.

Chase: Child.
--Chase and Foreman, discussing House
-- (1.17 Babies and Bathwater)

Wilson: Vogler's smart. He's got some plan to get you.

House: Does it involve candy? Becaue I'm a sucker for chocolates.

(Then he pops some Vicodin. What a guy.)
--Wilson/House
-- (1.17 Babies and Bathwater)

Weird works for me.
--House
-- (1.18 Kids)

Cuddy: The rest of the hospital is bustling and... (House raises a chart to block his view of her decollatage) What are you doing?

House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
--House/Cuddy
-- (1.18 Kids)

That's right: I'm subjecting a twelve year-old to a battery of dangerous and invasive tests to avoid being bored. ... Okay, maybe I would do that, but I'm not. If it turns out she does have meningitis, you're right - you win. But if we go back downstairs and she dies, your face will be so red.
--House to Cuddy
-- (1.18 Kids)

Nonconformity, right. I can't remember the last time I saw a twenty-something kid with a tatto of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker. You want to be a rebel? Stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he [Wilson] does and get a haircut. Like the Asian kids who don't leave the library twenty hour stretches. They're the ones who don't care what you think. Sayonara.
--House, to applicant for Cameron's job
-- (1.18 Kids)

House: The eyes can mislead, the smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth.

Wilson: They were Prada. It means he has good taste.

House: They were not Prada. You wouldn't know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum.
--House/Wilson
-- (1.18 Kids)

Patient: Heh, heh! You dog, you slept with her!

House: Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check.
--House/patient while House and Wilson were talking about House's date with Cameron.
-- (1.19 Love Hurts)

I've got a case of malt liquor stashed in the trunk, Mr. Marvin Gaye on the CD, we gonna get all the way down!
--House to Foreman when the latter tried to offer advice about a date with Cameron
-- (1.19 Love Hurts)

House: I have been on a date.

Wilson: Not since disco died.
--House/Wilson as House is getting ready for his date with Cameron
-- (1.19 Love Hurts)

House: (Looking at a corsage he bought for Cameron) This is lame, right?

Wilson: I think she likes lame.
--House/Wilson as House is getting ready for his date with Cameron
-- (1.19 Love Hurts)

I'm allowed to sexually harass my boss.
--Cameron
-- (1.19 Love Hurts)

You're on my naughty list. Sorry, no leather stethoscope this Christmas.
--House to Chase
-- (1.19 Love Hurts)

House: If only I was as open as you.

Cuddy: Well...

House: Actually, it was your blouse I was talking about.
--House/Cuddy
-- (1.19 Love Hurts)

Me, I'm a freak. I get off on not being in pain. That, and chocolate-covered marshmallow bunnies.
--House to Harvey and Annette
-- (1.19 Love Hurts)

Cuddy: Dr. Riley is throwing up. He obviously can't lecture.

House: You witnessed the spew, or you just have his word for it? I think I'm coming down with a little bit of the clap. I may have to go home for a few days.
--Cuddy/House
-- (1.20 Three Stories)

Stacy: Did you think I wasn't going to get married?

House: Not to someone so poorly endowed. The guy's pancreas is pathetic!
--Stacy/House
-- (1.20 Three Stories)

It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. the only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for.
--House to a group of med students
-- (1.20 Three Stories)

Stacy: You're an idiot.

House: I think I'm more of a jerk.
--Stacy/House, as House was rejecting amputation on his leg
-- (1.20 Three Stories)

Rebellious Student: the patient's an idiot.

House: They usually are.
--House and a med student, after he told the class the story about his leg
-- (1.20 Three Stories)